okay people, i'm not coping

i should have seen this coming. i am feeling crappy. sad, lonely, useless, pathetic, tired, should i go on or do you get the picture? i like things to be the way i see them. i see things very clearly in my mind and perhaps in my heart too. do you think that because my heart is holding up that stupid pfo closure thing that it can't hold me up this week? it is not easy being me, it's a full time job and unfortunately i wrote the job description. i set high standards for myself and then when i am unable to meet these standards, like now, i end up feeling that the people around me are not who i need them to be. that i am disappointing them.

i feel like david in this photo, except he's just annoyed with his hair. i am annoyed with myself. i don't like to feel that i am not being everything i need to be to keep the people around me happy and yet no one is complaining, not out loud anyway. i don't like it when i can't cope. i have had many struggles in my life and i have dragged myself forward, kids in tow. i am worried that now, this very innocent heart procedure has left me, not coping.

Comments

[kath]

This makes me feel so sad for you. I know it's hard to be sick. Remember I wrote that you cope by doing, this forced inactivity coupled with just having surgery must make you feel doubly bad.
xo
Kath

[lu]

you can not be everything to everyone, but you can be the best you that you know how to be.

surrender. seriously...let go and all will be fine. i know easier said than done, but believe it or not, when you ask for help to surrender, things end up being better than you could have ever imagined.

be blessed.

[Leanne]

Oh girl, it's been what a few days at most? Give yourself time! You'll be at it all again soon.

Try and think of yourself as one of your best girlfriends, then be as hard on yourself as you would be on them.

In other words, please give yourself a break!

Hugs.

[robin bird]

dear margie,
it's monday morning and here i am reading your post and besides absolutely adoring that giggle sweet photo of....that is one of your children? david you say? ...i'm thinking "good, it's good for her to say exactly how she is feeling." it really is shitty isn't it? being forced to be down when maybe you don't feel like it. you sound mad. are you? Kath sounds sad and you sound mad. sounds like first grade feelings list doesn't it? sorry :) the computer isn't always the easiest form of communication.

i know i am just know getting acquainted with you and kath but ever since you first commented on my blog and wrote me that e-mail i have felt like you are such a nice person, generous and welcoming. and i want something special to happen. i want to conceive of some way to share our photos across the miles. as soon as you feel better i am hoping we can 'talk' about ideas on how to share a connection across the miles with our photography. i went to an awesome workshop yesterday about macro photography! i could hardly sleep last night for being excited. i don't know if you have been able to browse through this blog but i mentioned on here somewhere how much i love your photography and blog. so i hope you are feeling even a slight bit better today. and i hope you will be able to do a little bit of what your friend lu encouraged. it can be pretty exhausting to fight against something that you have no control of....
i can give you a new friend hug ok? OO that's two hugs in quick succession :).

[robin bird]

hmmm ok... i use a canon 5D. i have been doing 'photography' meaning i was conscious of what the heck i was pointing at for the past 1 and 1/2 years. i have three main lenses. i learned on my a 50mm f1.4. then i started using a 24-105mm f/4. i have a 100mm macro f/2.8 and a brand new 17-40mm f/4. i am very indulged i know :) i use a remote release a lot of the time. and i try to force myself to use a tripod since i am not very steady with my hands and my vision isn't great...very frustrating.
i take pictures almost every day now. I like doing it with my friend marcia or by myself and yesterday the people in the class were very fun! enthusiastic to say the least! and i wish i could do it about 12 hours a day. i use Photoshop and my Mac. there you go!
any questions? :)

[Miz Booshay]

I think part of recovering from an illness is depression.
Your body is healing. That's the most important thing. Give yourself a little more time...and then you can be everything to everyone....
or you may have a lesson to learn...

It might be good for others to serve you a teeny bit ;o)

It's good for them.